For the Love of Pain

Hey Everybody!

It has been about 2 months since I’ve blogged. Normally, a person wouldn’t want to have so much time between blogs because it causes a loss of momentum. However, those that have decided to go on this journey with me, understands that I am going through “surgery.” Now, surgery involves cutting into the body, normally, to remove something that no longer benefit the user. And those that have gone through surgery, even a minor surgery, is familiar with the pain that comes along with that. So image, being vulnerable and opening yourself up for surgery, to clean out all the sludge and gunk that has had you clogged and backed up…Just the memories of some situations causes us to tear up, get butterflies in the belly or just shutdown all together. Well, I have been fighting this post for a while so here we go…

FOR THE LOVE OF PAIN

Well, I felt as if I was living my best life. I was single, I was happy, bold, beautiful and flying high (some would describe it as that). I did not have any children. I had never been married; well, engaged a couple of times. I mean, I was amazing; why wouldn’t people want to share their lives with me? 😃 I had made up in my mind that if I did not get married by a certain age, I had vowed to be single for the rest of my life, live my life for God, travel the world and be great, in my singleness; by myself. Because in singleness, isn’t that what we think, ”being by ourselves?” Well, that’s a whole different discussion!

Needless to say, two months before that mysterious age, I was married to this wonderful guy. Now, this guy was not from Texas. He seem to be different, in that he was, for a lack of better words, “square.” Not in a bad way but in a relaxing or comfortable type of way. He seems to be a guy that I could give my heart to and not worry about it being destroyed or broken. See in past relationships my heart was torn. I’m not going too far back down memory lane but there was my “high school crush.” The one that everyone thought you were so cute together that cuteness would cause you to be together for the rest of your life. Well, that elbow to my chin, knocking my jaw bone out of place, changed all of that. I was a senior in high school. Or that one that I had to go all the way to Hawaii to meet; that “first love!” While in the Navy, I met this guy and I knew he was my husband because he was from Texas. Dallas to be exact. I mean, he lived 5 minutes “up the road” (Texas vernacular) 😆 I believed fate brought us together. A relationship that took 8 years of my life and left me reliving the hurt and neglect of my parents, except he took something of mine with him. He was my “first love” and with that, brings a whole new set of responsibilities and expectations; that were not honored, obviously. Anyway, after fighting the tides of those enormous waves, I decided to become celibate and get my heart together. I mean, a lot had taken place during that on again, off again relationship. Not only did I give my heart to this person but my womanhood, my youth and towards the end of this relationship, I lost my grandmother. With that vulnerability was another year of turmoil because I was still searching. I had now lost the one person that I knew that loved me without a doubt. The love of this guy was just familiar at the time and it was comforting. When I finally came to myself and broke it off with him, it took me 3 years before I could actually have a conversation with him, without crying (some tears he was aware of and some he wasn’t). But during those 3 years I became stronger and better.

While living this awesome single life, I was listening to Bishop T. D. Jakes’ sermon one day and he was telling us “singles” to get out of the house and do something, find a hobby because that man was not going to come knocking at our door. Now, I know the Cinderella story or stories like it, have convinced women of that since we were about 10 years old but that is just not reality. So I took Bishop’s advice and started skating. I ended up in a skate club called the “Showtime Rollers” and eventually met this guy. We dated, from a distance, having crazy, interesting phone conversations and hanging/skating together when we saw each other at monthly skate jams. Then, we started surprise visiting each other a couple of times a month. Well, that led to a marriage in 2010.💍 #Excited! #“Winning!”

I was so excited that God blessed me with such a wonderful person. I mean, the average person did not see the diamond in the rough. He had corn-rolls. He was always sweaty. And in the skate world, we judged people by their skates…lets just say his skates were…….let’s leave that alone. He just didn’t look like he had much. But we women are always looking for a project. Nevertheless, he was “MY” project and he turned out amazing😉! So amazing that every other woman started to notice him. Knowing my worth by this time (so I thought), I put some expectations in place that I thought were being acknowledged and honored! However, they weren’t! On our 3 year anniversary, being celebrated in Chicago, my eyes stumbled upon an email from a lover of “my husband!” To my amazement, I was extremely calm and cool. See, he was asleep when I got the email and the Lord blessed him to see the next day, nor did he awake with any soreness or bruising. So again, under those extreme circumstances and in his complete state of vulnerability, I was unusually calm and cool!😏

I remembered hearing a talk from a speaker saying, until you know what you’re going to do in this situation, don’t do or say anything. I was silent that next day but that evening, I inquired about it. Of course he lied and tried to make me look like I was crazy. But he had been in an 8 month long relationship with another woman that he was buying things for, writing poetry to, and professing his love for. Now, we can always say, “Girrrrllll, if that was me, I would do X Y or Z!” But we never know exactly what we will do in that situation. And IT WASN’T YOU! And because I know you would say that, I didn’t tell anyone for 2 years. I was confused 🤷🏽‍♀️! I was hurt 😢! I was angry 😡! I was ashamed 😔! I thought I was doing what a wife was supposed to do; support his career, take on all his fears, make love when he tap my shoulder and keep him full with food, love and excitement, (amongst everything else). Hell, I thought I was doing that and then some. But to find out that your “husband” never loved you; that’s a cold peace! Maybe I shouldn’t say “never!” “Never” means at no time in the past or future; on no occasion; not ever; not at all. So maybe I shouldn’t use never because maybe he loved me at one point but during our conversation regarding his infidelity, he further added insult to injury by telling me about all his encounters. I mean, 18 women back to our wedding day and even a woman that took selfies with me in my wedding dress. (I can see ya’ll jaws drop! Lol! Except this ain’t funny!)

Now, this woman is what we consider a “Bad Bitch!” She had just propositioned my then fiancée the night before our wedding, got turned down, asked him could she come to the wedding, he text her the wedding information and she showed up! That could have turned out really ugly but both of their egos were solid, Hunny! He had been involved with her since he moved to Dallas. He met her at his new job, when he moved to the new city and while he was planning the wedding with his new fiancée 😒! Let’s move on…

Yes, HE told me everything! HE dumped all of this garbage in our bedroom and went back to work, leaving me to sort out this mess he had created. I also heard on one of Derrick Jaxn’s videos that when a person volunteer their body count, (how many people they have been involved with), usually it is doubled or more. That number is just what they told YOU! Now, this man is well-travelled, around thousands of women and even working girls (yes, whores); that is all I will say about that. All I am saying is, if he told me about 18 women, you can draw your own conclusion.

Nevertheless, I kept his secret and it ate me up inside because I was stronger than that; I’m better than that; this is not what I signed up for! I thought we were going to work on “our” marriage together. But after making several demands for him to help me through what he had done to us, he suggested we should get a divorce. He didn’t know how to fix the pain he had caused and surely he couldn’t work on the marriage while working a job abroad so he made the divorce request. I’ve heard older women say when they knew their husbands were being unfaithful, “don’t just give him to her; fight to keep your husband.” My specific words were, “You don’t get to fuck up our marriage then tell me how long I can fight for it!” I never spoke to my husband like that, not even as a boyfriend so he knew I was hurt but he still checked out and I fought along for 3 more years. Working abroad, he never decided to come home and every time “we” set a plan for him to return home, the date would always change.

One of the things, amongst many, that I loved about him was, he was adventurous. He was the one that always planned the trips. Wherever I wanted to go, he would research and plan it! They would be beautiful vacations too! However, for our 4th year and 5th year anniversaries, he didn’t plan much. On our 6th year anniversary he came home and we ended up at my favorite restaurant at the time (Texas de Brazil) and was supposed to go to a movie but I declined. I asked him to just release me, since he didn’t love me anymore. He asked what that meant? I said just give me a divorce since you don’t want to come home and work on our foundation and you don’t seem to love me. He thought about it for seemingly 10 seconds and said ok. My worst nightmare had now been realized! Through all of my snot and tears, clearly a broken heart, “my husband” seemed to have given no thought to “our” future “together” as a unit. Nor had he given any thought to all the sacrifices I had made for “us”, due to his infidelity. But as a woman, we are required to sweep up the broken pieces (peaces) and put them back together the best way we know how. See, no one talks about this part…bowing out🙏🏽!

The throwing of the rice, the blowing of the bubbles, the releasing of the doves and butterflies on that special day, never prepare you for this part of love…not the torn or broken heart but the ripping or crushing of the heart. We don’t get into that…

Surgery is underway!

Can I get some morphine please!!!